My mental illness didn’t come because of some tragic thing that happened as a kid, abuse of any kind, or trauma, as I know can bring on this struggle for many people. No, I had a great life as a kid. I didn’t show any signs of mental illness until around 14 years old. I started getting anxious about things. I would have huge meltdowns and ‘tantrums’ before school because I couldn’t find the right thing to wear, I knew the bus was coming and I just knew I wouldn’t have enough time to get ready. I’m sure a lot of that was just normal teenager stuff so we didn’t think much of it. Well, I started missing a lot of school, I couldn’t manage to keep friends, and I was inseparable from my boyfriend. Still, we didn’t realize how much I was struggling. Until I went to try outs for a play… I still remember the embarrassment I felt when I got so incredibly anxious and still trying to push through the audition, I ended up in a full blown panic attack. My boyfriend, at the time, managed to get me home to my parents. They made an appointment with the doctor the next morning.
I was prescribed all sorts of medicine. Zoloft, birth control ??!?! (what was she thinking?) and some other fast acting anxiety medication in case I had another panic attack. This was the start to my 4 year experiment with medications to find what would work for me. Nothing worked. They either made me sit and stare at a wall and not care about life, or so over the top crazy that I almost killed myself. Many times.
I had semi-great counseling in high school that at least got me through. I almost didn’t graduate because I missed so much school. There were mornings I just physically couldn’t get out of bed because my depression was so bad. Then there were days I hated everyone and the sound of clicking on calculators made me want to scratch someones eyes out.
Looking back, I can’t believe no one noticed I have Bipolar Disorder. The ups and downs of my mood were almost predictable. periods of depression followed by a week or 2 of manic, then normal me sometimes (I thought I was all better at that point) Then the vicious cycle started again. No matter what was going on in my life, no matter how much I kept goals or worked hard or made good choices, it always happened. For no reason, I was sad. so debilitatingly sad. I felt so much doom for weeks or months on end. Then without realizing what was happening, I’m staying up all night cleaning, organizing, making lists, saving the world, chopping my hair, forgetting to shower, finding 3 new boyfriends, starting a new exercise program… I was on top of the world for at least a week.
So where am I today? I’ve come a long way… A very long way.
My dad was actually the one that noticed it might be bipolar disorder because he saw the similarities in his own life and he has Bipolar disorder too. It was amazing when I realized there was a name for it and I’m not to blame. There is nothing wrong with ME, there’s just this disease, and its in my mind. Now it’s just my job to find some sort of control over it and learn to function with it. I never use it as an excuse for my bad behavior but it’s nice to know there is a reason I can’t feel loving at certain times or I feel a huge need to save the world at other times.
It is possible to function with this disease. Maybe medication will work for you, maybe they’ll come up with a great medication that will work for me someday. Maybe you’ll find a way to function with natural medicine and lifestyle changes. I have plans to share my tips in future blog posts.
Thanks for reading my story. What about you? Do you or someone you know have mental illness? Leave me a comment below.
Peace.
